THE bald bison PRESENTS THE FIRST IN A SERIES ON ITS OUTLOOK ON LIPSCOMB AND THE WORLD. . .

Bald Bison Philosophy

        This is the first edition of a little news epistle to be called Bald Bison (any connection between the title of our paper, and our beloved president is purely coincidental, and unequivocally denied).  It would seem to be apropos for the editors of this jewel to exhibit some degree of organization by issuing a statement outlining the general rules to which we plan to adhere.

       First of all, this paper is totally dedicated to the students of DLC.  It is our opinion that the current publication, the Babbler, does not, and cannot properly fulfill this role.  Now understand, we are not opposed to the Babbler, nor are we entering into competition against it.  We merely feel that the overall goals of the Babbler do not allow it to properly serve the students.  It is written with an eye on the alumnae (not to mention a hand on their money.)  Now again, we are not opposed to alumni -- anybody that endured what we're going thru is deserving of all the respect that we can give him -- but we are not really interested in reading the news from the alumni's point of view.  We'll worry about that when we're alumni.  Right now, as students, we want the news as it applies to students.  Alumni, read the Babbler.  UT students, jump a cliff.  Lipscombians, read the Bald Bison!

        In order to facilitate this dedication, we hope to maintain a large degree of independence.  We do not plan to become a tool or front for any person, institution, or organization.  Our paper is not dedicated to the glory of David Lipscomb, this college, or its faculty.  Though we certainly respect them, the paper is dedicated to the students.  And we feel that we can fulfill this dedication by presenting the facts as they are, or at least as we can best ascertain them.

        The reader may notice that much of the material collected in this journal will be defined by many as satire.  Obviously, there is a distinct line between satire and sarcasm.  Sarcasm is the "poking of fun" purely to produce pain.  Satire is the "poking of fun" to aid in the search for truth, to strip away the facades which obscure reality.  In this capacity, satire can be a tremendous weapon for truth and right.  But admittedly, the line between satire and sarcasm may often become indistinct, but we will earnestly endeavor to keep our humor and observations within the realm of satire.

        And perhaps it will be worthwhile to interject another not of satire here.  Satire almost always indicates respect.  If we do not satirize someone, out of fear of his reprisal, it indicates a lack of respect for the individual's humor and nature.  However, if we openly satirize someone, it indicates respect that we have for him, for we realize that the individual's sense of humor and nature will enable him to take the "jab" with grace.  Now, we realize if we allow the satire to degenerate into sarcasm, it indicates a lack of both respect and taste.  However, satire, properly used, often demonstrates respect.  Therefore, faculty, (and we know full well that this paper will find its way into your scrutinizing little hands) please realize that if wee "razz" you, we are trusting in your good nature and humor.  And good old DLC, you know we love ya; in fact, we love and respect ya enough to do all that we can to improve ya by getting down to the truth of what your troubles are.

        We realize that the writing, organization, and printing of our little journal will be slipshod.  However, we simply hope that our readers will do some slipshod reading.

        We've got a noble purpose for our paper, at least we think so, and we're going to try to adhere to it.

        Somehow, we think you'll like it.

                                                            The Editors

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To smash the simple atom
All mankind was intent,
                And any day,
                                The atom may
Return the compliment.

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THE bald bison PROUDLY PRESENTS AN ARTICLE BY A NATIONALLY PROMINENT AUTHORITY WHEREIN HE SUGGESTS WAYS FOR CAFETERIA IMPROVEMENT, SOME OF WHICH MAY BE ADOPTED BY LIPSCOMB (THOUGH WE CAN'T THINK OF ANY AT THE MOMENT).

?FOOD? SERVICES REPORT

        As a food services inspector for a large district in the U.S. I have found many areas which require improvement in all establishments. My suggestions, if employed, will increase profits and customer satisfaction. Of course, some places already have some of these innovations, but it is a rare cafeteria indeed which is so efficient that it has all of the following:

1. long, slow-moving lines -- this shows the customer it is a popular place and allows him to have plenty of time to pick his items

2. leftovers -- not only does this keep cost down, but many persons eat the same thing meal after meal after meal after meal.
3. high prices -- besides increase revenue, the customer is convinced that the food must be worth something to somebody.
4. aroma of dishwater and garbage at the entrance -- the customer is assured that the utensils are being scraped and rinsed before re-using.
5. tasteless food -- in this way the consumer can eat any of it, even if he never liked it before. Also, he can vary the taste as he desires, by adding salt and/or pepper one day and not the next.
6. crusted residue of food on utensils -- if left on while eating, it creates a refreshing variation from the regular flavor. Anyway, it allows him to sample a little of what he missed the previous meal. (FREE ITEM)
7. roaches -- these little helpers eat up the leftovers (profit destroyers) and thereby assist in keeping scraps off the floor. If added to the food, it is an interesting addition for any flavorless dish. (ALSO A FREE ITEM)
8. cozy booths -- provides intimate corners for getting acquainted. Many couples I have known have met and romanced in booths of this type. The presence of lovers billing and cooing does improve the digestion.
9. competent and skilled supervision -- people who know when to close and open lines in order to keep people waiting the longest time are a must for high profit. (a highly responsible job)
10. regimented menu -- in this way, the consumer knows exactly what will be served each day. Increases feelings of security.
11. plump, healthy manager -- a very necessary person. He need not be too intelligent, just a lot overweight. By his presence, the customer will be assured that somebody likes the food. Of course they need never know that he only eats specially prepared steaks and baked potatoes in his plush suite of offices.
12. constant, unexpected visits by the administration -- reassures the eater that the food is safe enough even for the big shots. Again, the customer need never know that he, too, eats steaks and lobsters with his family and associates in his own French provincial private dining room.

Sincerely,
Heimie Gooch

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WANTED, by East End colored church --- a little white man
to collect communion trays.  Must supply own
little black coat.

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YES, THE bald bison GIVES YOU SOMETHING FOR YOUR WALL!!!  PUT IT RIGHT BESIDE YOUR RESTORATION PREACHER PIN-UP.

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(LU Host note, l to r:
Athens Clay Pulius, Willard Collins
Mack Wayne Craig, Carl McKelvey)

 

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THIS ARTICLE EXPRESSES THE THOUGHTS THAT MAY BE IN THE MINDS OF MANY YOUNG PEOPLE

TAXATION WITHOUT REPRESENTATION

        Late one night in the town of Boston in the year 1775, a band of patriots dressed as Indians crept aboard a British merchantman anchored in Boston Harbor.  This little outing was prompted by a tax which had been placed on certain articles by the British Parliament.  IT was not because the tax was extremely oppressive or was out of line to tax those articles.  The reason for the opposition was simply this:  this tax had been levied without the consent or even knowledge of the colonial citizens of the Empire.  This condition is aptly expressed in one of the rallying battle cries of the colonists, "No taxation without representation."

        This raid on a British ship in a supposedly loyal colony laid the foundation for the greatest popular uprising in the history of the world, the American Revolution.  This same situation is now present, to a lesser degree of course, in many of the private schools of our nation, and, if not checked, could eventually lead to another, albeit smaller, popular uprising.  This uprising would be the students and could possibly be the last straw to the veritable haystack already straining the back of the camel, being, of course, America's private colleges.

        It would seem that on the campuses of very many of our smaller colleges that the students are having less and less to do with the goings-on as to their respective schools.  These college students, the vast majority over 18 years of age, are considered by everyone but the college administration to be thinking, young adults, able to reason between right and wrong.  They are allowed to fight for their country, get married, have full time jobs, pay taxes, and many are able to vote for the way their country is run.  However, in the environment of the college campus, they are considered to be infants who are unable to form correct opinions or to do right on their own volition.  For this reason they are told what to do -- they are not given opportunity to express their own views, but they are forced to do what they, in many instances, do not want to do and what has occasionally proven to be detrimental to their welfare.

        The administrations gather at their social events to discuss the way to keep the children in line without thinking whether the ends justify the means.  If the present trend continues, the student life will be one of constant fears of being caught expressing an opinion which is out of line, fears Big Brother watching, or fears that someone may think that you are 

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Taxation (cont'd)

doing something which you aren't, and punishing you for it.  It is evident that such a situation is not exactly conducive to study, which is supposedly the purpose of college.

        One might comment after reading such a criticism that it is simply the work of one who wishes to dissent for the sole purpose of dissenting.  Such is not the case.  There is a marked difference between malicious criticism and constructive.  This work is attempting to be constructive inasmuch as it is now to present an answer to the problem.

        What is the answer?  It is simply this -- to have a part in the running of their college life, the students must have some sort of representation in the government of their school.  This can be accomplished by some sort of a student-administration type of cooperative government, and it must be cooperative.  There must be an even balance of power between the two, or the whole thing will end in one or the other of the group running the whole show, which is what we are trying to eliminate in the first place.

        This is not a complete answer, for each college needs to tailor the solution to fit the situation, however, if it is done, it must be done or the students might resort to having a "Tea Party" themselves.

Art N. Heaven

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Wanted -- a congregation for a sound preacher.  References
elders, Shmoe C. of C.  Have bought both copies
of Axe on the Root.

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Due to lack of interest, tomorrow will be canceled

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THIS STARTS THE bald bison's RELIGIOUS SECTION.  ansem mount WAS NOT AVAILABLE, BUT WE DID THE BEST WE COULD.

        Already, lusty voices have begun to train themselves for the song leaders contest. This context certainly presents and excellent opportunity for various young men to demonstrate their ability in leading us in praise. Whoever does the best in this aspect of worship receives a reward. This is all fine and good. However, a very interesting question presents itself. If we have a contest for song leading, why not for other aspects of worship? For example, why not have a prayer-leaders contest? (If this seems irreverent, may we suggest that there is little difference between communicating with God with your head up, eyes open, singing and with your head down, eyes closed, and speaking.) This idea is so intriguing that we present a plan to implement the idea.

        First of all, the contestant would submit a written prayer to the judging panel. The prayer would consist of an arrangement of selections from the following list:

1. We come before thy throne of grace.

2. We thank thee for this day and all its many blessings.

3. Help us to avoid the sin that doth so easily beset us.

4. Thank thee for our many blessings, both spiritual and temporal.

5. Thank thee for this opportunity to worship you in spirit and in truth.

6. Thank you for this land where we can worship without fear of molestation.

7. Help the rulers of our land that they may rule wisely.

8. Be with the sick and afflicted wherever they may be, especially those in the household of faith.

9. Bless the one who is to speak to us, may he have a ready recollection of that which he desires to say, and may we, as eternity-bound creatures, listen intently to that which is said.

10. Guide, guard, and direct us.

11. We pray for those who it is our duty to pray for.

12. Be with us now as we go to our respective places of abode.

13. In the name of your Son and our Savior.

14. If we've been found faithful, give us a home in heaven with thee.

15. We'd like to welcome the visitors, we hope you'll come back at earliest convenience.

        In order to facilitate composition and judging, all the contestants have to do is write the numbers with conjunctions that are appropriate. For example, one might choose: 1 and 2 and 7; or 2 and 8, moreover 11; etc.

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        The judges, men who have used and organized those prayers ad infinitum, will select the 3 finest efforts. These authors will then have the opportunity to present their prayers to chapel. They will be judged on content, presentation, usage of "thee," "thou," "hath," etc., instead of common English, and several other vital facts. Either that, or an applause meter could be used.

        An appropriate reward will, of course, be give. However, several other positive goods will be derived from this exhibition. First, it will encourage our young men to pray beautiful, articulate prayers, according to the pattern. Moreover, it will preserve several archaic phrases which otherwise might totally drop out of the language. I mean, how many times have you turned to your friend and said, "Well, I'm going to my respected place of abode."? Ten? Twenty? Well, perhaps you've got the point.

        If this contest is a success, (and how can it fail?) we can envision a chain of contests. How about a Lord's Supper contest with the social clubs seeing how fast they can pass out the emblems? Or an announcement contest? Or a baptism contest (with off-campus Presbyterian judges)? And many more!

        We have only begun to tap the vast area of worship contests. Why stop with song leaders?

Amen.

Monty Anselm